This parody came in "over the transom" and is rumored to have been written by the most poisonous clerical pen in the English-speaking world.

Economic Justice for All
Pastoral Letter on Catholic Social Teaching and the U.S. Economy

U. S. Catholic Bishops, 1986

A Pastoral Message

Brothers and Sisters in Christ:

1. We are believers called to follow Our Lord Jesus Christ and proclaim his Gospel in the midst of a complex and powerful economy. This reality poses both opportunities and responsibilities for Catholics in the United States. Our faith calls us to measure this economy, not by what it produces but also by how it touches human life and whether it protects or undermines the dignity of the human person. Economic decisions have human consequences and moral content; they help or hurt people, strengthen or weaken family life, advance or diminish the quality of justice in our land.

1B. We find it especially urgent in our need to touch human life to insist that our contractors be strapping young men garbed, when possible, in apricot Spandex, or else ungarbed entirely.  Anything less undermines the fundamental dignity of the human person and causes vexing problems during the brief lunch-breaks available to bishops in today's diverse ecclesial community.

2. This is why we have written Economic Justice for All: A Pastoral Letter on Catholic Social Teaching and the U.S. Economy. This letter is a personal invitation to Catholics to use the resources of our faith, the strength of our economy, and the opportunities of our democracy to shape a society that better protects the dignity and basic rights of our sisters and brothers, both in this land and around the world.

2B. Many gardeners, waiters, and bathhouse attendants in Cyprus and Costa Rica still have little or no access to such basic human needs as education and electrolysis.

3. This pastoral letter has been a work of careful inquiry, wide consultation, and prayerful discernment. The letter has been greatly enriched by this process of listening and refinement.

3B.  In particular, we wish to extend our thanks to Mr. Paul Marcoux, who typed the manuscript and opened our eyes through christodrama and mime.

Why We Write

4. We write to share our teaching, to raise questions, to challenge one another to live our faith in the world. We write as heirs of the biblical prophets who summon us "to do right, and to love goodness, and to walk humbly with your God" (Mi. 6:8). We write as followers of Jesus who told us in the Sermon on the Mount: "Blessed are the poor in spirit .... Blessed are the meek .... Blessed are they who hunger and thirst for righteousness .... You are the salt of the earth .... You are the light of the world" (Mt 5:1-6, 13-14). These words challenge us not only as believers but also as consumers, citizens, workers, and owners. In the parable of the Last Judgment, Jesus said, "For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink .... As often as you did it for one of my least brothers, you did it for me" (Mt. 25:35-40). The challenge for us is to discover in our own place and time what it means to be "poor in spirit" and "the salt of the earth" and what it means to serve "the least among us" and to "hunger and thirst for righteousness."

4B.  As bishops, we speak as heirs of the prophets in denouncing those who charge outrageous weekly rents for vacation homes in Nantucket and St. Tropez.  The view from our hot tubs appalls us with the disparity of wealth in our society and convinces us that our "hunger and thirst for justice" must begin at home, that we cannot preach "Jesus Christ, and him crucified," with voices mangled by second-shelf Scotch and cocktail peanuts.  Still, in our own place and time, to be "poor in spirit" will call forth sacrifices from us all, often in the form of booking a single hotel room for ourselves and our traveling companions.

5. Followers of Christ must avoid a tragic separation between faith and everyday life. They can neither shirk their earthly duties nor, as the Second Vatican Council declared, "immerse [them]selves in earthly activities as if these latter were utterly foreign to religion, and religion were nothing more than the fulfillment of acts of worship and the observance of a few moral obligations" (Pastoral Constitution on the Church in the Modern World, no. 43).

5B.  In practical terms, the laity must recognize its own duties in justice, and contribute financially to the support of their dioceses in substantive ways that are based in the truths of the Gospel: not simply tithing, according to the dry formalism of the Old Covenant, but digging deep and giving 'til it hurts.  We call upon an obdurate and stiff-necked people to soften their "hearts of stone" and offer the "fatlings of the flock" to the successors of the apostles.  Lay faithful should avoid frivolous expenditures on themselves and their children -- milk, dental bills, antibiotics, savings for college tuition -- and realize, to their shame, that many of their pastors will be obliged to leave for their holidays in LAST year's beach fashions, reduced to brief and unsatisfying encounters with Slovakian rent-boys, summer lawn help, or even transitional deacons.

6. Economic life raises important social and moral questions for each of us and for the society as a whole. Like family life, economic life is one of the chief areas where we live out our faith, love our neighbor, confront temptation, fulfill God's creative design, and achieve holiness. Our economic activity in factory, field, office, or shop feeds our families -- or feeds our anxieties. It exercises our talents -- or wastes them. It raises our hopes -- or crushes them. It brings us into cooperation with others -- or sets us at odds. The Second Vatican Council instructs us "to preach the message of Christ in such a way that the light of the Gospel will shine on all activities of the faithful" (Pastoral Constitution, no. 43). In this case, we are trying to look at economic life through the eyes of faith, applying traditional church teaching to the U.S. economy.

6B.  Accordingly we, as pastors commissioned to fulfill God's creative design, often find it expedient to award no-bid contracts for major projects to our Significant Others, padding in generous profit margins, so as to stimulate the local economy.  Stimulating the local economy also exercises our talents and not infrequently soils the upholstery in the Lexus.

7. In our letter, we write as pastors, not public officials. We speak as moral teachers, not economic technicians. We seek not to make some political or ideological point but to lift up the human and ethical dimensions of economic life, aspects too often neglected in public discussion. We bring to this task a dual heritage of Catholic social teaching and traditional American values.

7B. Half a million dollars is a sizeable piece of change for buying the silence of our sexual outlets.  For this reason we wish to view diocesan hush-money in the context of responsible stewardship.  As moral teachers, we deplore the parsimony and short-sightedness of those who, while claiming the name of Christians, will often help themselves to a second bowl of cornflakes in the morning yet stint the collection plate -- grudging their pastors the financial support necessary to pursue their amatory recreations without fear of reprisal.  The human dimension of economic life is a necessary part of the  equation.  Even widows and retirees, by putting on an extra cardigan and turning down the heat, can save enough to help buy-off the archbishop's toy boy, or, failing that, to ensure that their pastors have top rank legal counsel in beating the abuse rap.  God loves a cheerful giver.

8. As Catholics, we are heirs of a long tradition of thought and action on the moral dimensions of economic activity. The life and words of Jesus and the teaching of his Church call us to serve those in need and to work actively for social and economic justice. As a community of believers, we know that our faith is tested by the quality of justice among us, that we can best measure our life together by how the poor and the vulnerable are treated. This is not a new concern for us. It is as old as the Hebrew prophets, as compelling as the Sermon on the Mount, and as current as the powerful voice of Pope John Paul II defending the dignity of the human person.

8B.  The quality of justice is not cheap.  Even where the bishop has the DA's office in his pocket problems can occur, and in the case of an arraignment a team of first class attorneys is essential.  Out-of-court settlements are invariably costly, and experience has taught us that even these can be rendered worthless by an indiscreet gift or letter.

9. As Americans, we are grateful for the gift of freedom and committed to the dream of "liberty and justice for all." This nation, blessed with extraordinary resources, has provided an unprecedented standard of living for millions of people. We are proud of the strength, productivity, and creativity of our economy, but we also remember those who have been left behind in our progress. We believe that we honor our history best by working for the day when all our sisters and brothers share adequately in the American dream.

9B.  And, a fortiori, the Nantucket dream.

10. As bishops, in proclaiming the Gospel for these times we also manage institutions, balance budgets, meet payrolls. In this we see the human face of our economy. We feel the hurts and hopes of our people. We feel the pain of our sisters and brothers who are poor, unemployed, homeless, living on the edge. The poor and vulnerable are on our doorsteps, in our parishes, in our service agencies, and in our shelters. We see too much hunger and injustice, too much suffering and despair, both in our country and around the world.

10B.  For this reason, we spend as much time as possible at the Grand Hotel de Minerve, so that we, as bishops, are spared the sight of the poor, the unemployed, the homeless, and others who tend to spoil our appetite by their seediness.   When you're paying one-fifty a head for lunch, the last thing you want see walking past the valet parking strip is some octogenarian bag lady with leg ulcers.